#43 — Fear and Love

Greetings Philosophers!

Is there a need to teach through fear?

Ralph Waldo Emerson wrote: “What you do speaks so loudly that I cannot hear what you say.”

I was talking about religion with a student and they mentioned how their training was fear based. The fear of hell was stressed more than the love of God.

I know some of you may not believe in God. But I think some thoughts here might help us understand not just religion, but how we use fear to train children. I would suggest we do this only because we do not know a better way. But there is a better way.

So, ignore the “God” part if it does not apply to you. Instead, ask yourself if using fear is a good educational tool?

In philosophy, God is by definition infinite. In the theistic religions, this God is not simply infinite, but Infinite Love. I asked a monk I considered very holy once what he thought about the teachings about hell. I really wanted to know how he combined his teaching that God was “mercy upon mercy” with eternal damnation.

He told me that if you believe in free will — that people have a choice — then you have to have an opposite choice than choosing love. That absence of love is Hell. But then he turned to me with a twinkle in his eye and a beautiful smile and said: “but you are not required to believe any one is actually there.”

I had a similar experience with religion. I was taught to fear the fires of hell. To teach a child to fear Infinite Love is a form of child abuse — spiritual abuse — at least as I experienced it. This type of abuse is not talked about as much as it needs to be. There are much healthier ways to introduce children to a religious world view and encourage their spiritual growth.

When children ask questions, this is when we could nurture their curiosity and critical thinking skills. For example, when a child asks where their grandmother went when she passed away, many parents answer "heaven," which closes down the question. A better answer might be, "where do you think she is?" and then engage them in a dialogue.

Ok, enough of God for those who don’t like this line of thought. Let’s instead look at parenting. Many of you are or will be parents. If not, you certainly had to have had parents.

Many parents spank their children when they do not behave. But my experience working in special education proved to me that you can train kids without hitting them. In fact, if I had hit a child I would not only have been fired on the spot, but the parents would have the right to prosecute me for child abuse.

This knowledge, and the training I received, was like a bomb going off in my head! If very difficult children could be educated without hitting them, then surely, we don’t need to hit children who do not have these severe challenges.

Children learn about life — and God, if you believe in God — by what we do far more than what we say. Do we want to teach by means of fear or by means of love?

“The object of education is to teach us to love what is beautiful.” Plato

Apophat

#42 — Two Dogs

Greetings Philosophers!

I have two dogs. Do you?

Part of living an examined life includes facing our dark side. It is a painful experience for me to accept that there is a part of me that I do not like at all. For example, I can be mean, petty and judgmental. The natural tendency is to push this out of awareness. But repression does not really work.

The famous Native American Chief Sitting Bull said: "Inside of me there are two dogs. One is mean and evil and the other is good and they fight each other all of the time. When asked which one wins, I answer the one I feed the most."

It reminds me of the saying that we need to keep our friends close and our enemies even closer.

I was confused for a long time about what Jesus meant when he said we need to love our enemies. Shouldn’t the goal be to have no enemies?

Perhaps we are supposed to have enemies, at least in the sense of those we oppose because of their lack of respect for equality and justice for all people. Perhaps.

But it really rang true when I think of the enemy within — the dog that is self-centered and lashes out at people. The dog that is lazy and apathetic. The dog that is cruel.

Yes, this is me too.

I imagine the darkness will always be there. I feed it with my resentments, anger and regrets.

But I can work on disciplining this mean dog, who is a good dog that has been conditioned to be mean. Dogs are not born mean. Thus, I need to forgive this dog — but not ignore it.

How do I nurture the other dog, how do I feed it? This dog needs to be fed music, dancing and books! This dog thrives on the attention provided by self-acceptance and love and the great world of ideas. This dog grows healthy and beautiful by having time to be out in nature and putting aside time for reflection and contemplation.

In actuality, I think I have many dogs. My name is legion, or as Bob Dylan sings, “I contain multitudes.” But the two dogs metaphor works for me. It is important for me to check in with my inner dogs. Which one am I feeding with my thoughts and actions?

I have two dogs. It is good to know that. It is wisdom to know which one bites and which one likes to cuddle, lick my face, and sleep next to me.

Apophat

#41 — Gratitude

Greetings Philosophers!

I am writing this on Thanksgiving evening so it seems appropriate to write about gratitude.

The great Sufi poet Rumi wrote: “Gratitude is the wine for your soul. Go on. Get drunk!” Of course, as a Muslim, he did not drink alcohol. So, what did he mean?

A monk I was lucky enough to meet a few times wrote a book called Gratefulness: The Heart of Prayer.

All traditions I have studied have the practice of gratitude at their heart. What is it about being grateful that is so important?

I think the key is not simply noticing when good things happen to us (although that in itself is an important mindfulness activity). I think it is referring to a conscious effort we need to make. One does not need to pay attention to one’s thoughts for very long to see that they are almost a constant stream of negativity — judgements about ourselves and other people.

These thoughts bring us down, make us sad, and lower the quality of our life. So, I think gratitude is a conscious decision to focus on the positive and find the goodness in the difficult roads so many of us walk.

Terrence McKenna wrote: "Our world is in crisis because of the absence of consciousness." Being grateful is one way to bring more consciousness into our lives and into our world. It is a gift we give ourselves. And this gift spreads out to others. Why? I think gratitude is as contagious as complaining is.

To practice gratitude, especially when we don’t feel like it — especially then — is like forcing ourselves to exercise when we don’t feel like it. For example, we set a goal to go jogging a few days a week. If you have ever done this, you will notice that the good chemicals don’t start flowing until you have been running for a while. Starting can be difficult, but then running becomes its own reward.

So, it becomes one measure of our maturity to see if we can force ourselves to take a few minutes to be consciously grateful each day. We can do simple things like noticing the sun on our faces, to sending someone a text message saying we are grateful that they are a part of our lives, to keeping a journal. I have seen people take the 30 day challenge to post on social media one different thing they are grateful for each day. I would love to see social media used to spread some goodness around and avoid some of the trivia that I mostly associate with its use.

A music hall that I have seen literally hundreds of concerts at, has recently closed. I am sad about this. It was a big part of our (Cheryl and me) lives for nearly ten years. But what I found so moving was how many people did not complain about it, but instead posted notes of gratitude, sharing their favorite memories, photographs and gratitude for the community of music lovers that also became good friends. So, even a sad event can give rise to a great sense of thankfulness for all of the many happy times we shared the joy of music and dancing together — really with one another.

What are you grateful for? Speak and write it out! It will transform your life. But only if you practice it every day.

So, if you have read this far, please know that I am grateful that you are in my life. I love teaching because I have the opportunity to try and love so many people every semester/quarter. It has made my life fulfilling. And in this day and age, when so many complain about their work (or lack thereof), I get to go to work with a smile on my face!

To Gratitude!

Apophat